Let Your Truth Be Compassionate

It’s been ingrained in us since we were young that “honesty is the best policy.” While the sentiment may be true, it’s important for us, in our recovery, to reassess how we apply the ethic to our interactions. If we find ourselves being “honest” in an attempt to take control of a person’s actions or dismiss someone’s choices, then we’re allowing our unhealthy behavioral patterns to taint something that is intended to help us grow in our maturity and our relationships with others.

"The Lightning Speed of Honesty"
-- image courtesy Wikimedia

Sometimes we are driven to be “honest” by truly healthier motives, though. However, there are brands of honesty which can do more harm than good. We’re never to lie, even by omission, but if we dump unnecessary and hurtful information on someone just so we can give ourselves a pat on the back and feel better for being “honest,” then we’ve fallen into a different sort of sick behavior. As stated in Step 9, we’re exempt from making amends -- or being honest -- if doing so would injure the person we’re confessing to or others.

This program is the foundation for restructuring the way we live. It’s not uncommon to find that old, knee-jerk reactions no longer mesh with the new person we’re growing into. This means that we turn to different, less-familiar ways of acting, such as being honest without being controlling or insensitive.

Our new brand of honesty must be one filled with compassion. Through this program, the men and women we’re in recovery with, and a close relationship with our Higher Power, we’re being flooded with the love and acceptance that we may never have received before. And in return, we’re learning how to express the same love and acceptance to others. If we keep ourselves in the same nonjudgmental and compassionate frame of mind that we were welcomed with, we can be certain that we’re imparting the right kind of truth.

What's your worth? Knowing makes all the difference

Some take humility to an extreme, going beyond a healthy awareness of one’s own imperfections and seemingly discounting themselves as human beings. Despite the poor choices we may have made in our past -- and the poor choices we will undoubtedly make in the future -- we are not obligated to relinquish our decision-making capabilities to someone else. We do not have to think highly of everyone around us while we hold a poor opinion of ourselves. We do not have to let people gain that power over us.

In recovery, we learn about our worth as a living, breathing, thinking, feeling individual. We learn that, for better or worse, our thoughts, actions, and emotions belong to no one but us, and that is our right as human beings. We will heal from old wounds, and learn new, healthier ways of processing and reacting to situations.

·         When someone blames us for a problem he or she caused, we don’t feel guilty or try to fix it. We turn the other cheek and let that person face the consequences of his or her actions.

·         When we find ourselves being manipulated or exploited, we know that it’s okay to feel angry or mistrustful, and we have every right to refuse the person doing it.

·         When someone tries to change our mind about something we know we don’t want, or tries to talk us out of something we know we do want, we’re able to trust ourselves.

·         When someone tries to convince us of something we don’t believe, we know that we can stick to our guns and remain unshaken.

·         We even know that, if we so choose, we can change our mind down the road.

We don’t have to give up what makes us human to anyone: not to a friend, a spouse, family, strangers, our children, or even those in authority over us. We should remain open-minded to what people have to say: there could very well be something we can learn from them. They may be better educated than we are, or look more confident than we feel, but we’re all human. We’re all made up of the same stuff, and we’re all entitled to our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. We may not have anything in common with someone else, but that does not take away any of our worth.

It’s important to remember that we are not second-class citizens. By accepting our worth, we do not have to resort to aggressive or controlling behaviors to validate what we think or feel. When we stop acting defensively and discounting others, we find that we’re no longer compelled to discount ourselves either. 

Know someone who's very blunt? Thank them for it.

If you think over the people that you feel safest and most relaxed around, chances are that they’re direct individuals. They’re clear about what their thoughts, beliefs, and feelings are, and we’re never left uncertain about our standing with them.

Indirect people, however, are not to be trusted. They are either afraid or they refuse to be upfront about who they are, what they want, and how they’re faring. Though they may never make clear what principles they’re grounded on, you can be sure that they’ll eventually act on their truth. And people may find themselves destabilized and confused, not sure how to respond to something they never knew was coming.

Those of us in recovery need to remain vigilant in ensuring that we don’t skew an ethic. In practicing directness, we may slip into being harsh, rude, or inappropriate. Directness does not entail sharing every thought or feeling that passes through us. As with anything, we need to apply tact, grace, and self-control to any situation in which we’ve decided to be direct.

As we grow, we find that being direct will save time and relieve stress in the long run. It takes us out of the victim role, does away with the martyrdom we imagine ourselves in, and cuts us out of playing mind games: Being direct puts us into the position of a mature and reasonable adult responsible for his or her own feelings and behaviors. It will aid us in forming lasting and respectful relationships.

We feel safe and stable around direct, honest people. Go out and be one.

Truth is not just an ideal - it's something to live out every day

The pursuit of truth is often conjoined to issues of public importance, affixed as an ideal to the lives of the leaders who protect, advise and guide us. We consider truth a necessity for those in positions of power (i.e. the President), as well as those who help keep our society functioning (i.e. police, teachers) – and rightly so.

It's important to remember, however, that truth is a value that transcends classes and positions. It is woven into the fabric of our everyday lives. The truth we share with a friend or lover is the foundation for a healthy, happy relationship. Truth in an intimate context manifests itself in a variety of ways: a request for space, an affection revealed, an thought shared, a promise, an apology, an act of forgiveness – all are vessels for truth among those we're close to. The truth that will most often come into our lives.

Any lasting relationship must be built up around the trust two people have in each other. When we form meaningful bonds, we catch a mere glimpse of all the possibilities we hold within ourselves – great capacities for courage, love, tolerance, kindness, and, above all, truth.

Sometimes, surrender is the most powerful action you can take

Surrender is phrased in the third of the 12 Steps as “making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand him.”

Through surrendering to our Higher Power, we find that we have become empowered. Free from the bondage of self, we are now empowered to live in new, better, more constructive ways than we ever thought possible.

We find doors opening for us; exciting opportunities present themselves to us. We are able to focus our energies, finally, in ways that benefit us and those around us. We see the plan for our lives become clearer, and we are at peace with our place in the world.

And we do come to realize, most assuredly, that there is a plan and a place especially for us. It is made clear, and we will have total comfort in knowing that our Higher Power will keep us on the right path, with all our needs provided for. Whatever it is, it will be good. It will bring us exactly where we're meant to be, and it will be good.

If we are coming out of a place of weakness and uncertainty, it can be hard to accept the empowerment that comes with our surrender. But as long as our hearts and minds remain open to it, it will come naturally. Our position of powerlessness and helplessness is not permanent; it is a temporary stop to gather ourselves as we determine where we have been trying to gain power, though we had none.

Empowerment does not mean we now hold the power in our lives. It means we have come to the proper place of surrender to our Higher Power, and we have been given the ability to follow the plan our Higher Power has laid out for us. Accept the empowerment, and move toward the life you are meant to have, and the place you are meant to be.