Cleansing Our Hearts, Minds, and Souls: Step Four

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

The Fourth Step is one that can intimidate many people. The thought of facing a darker, destructive side of us can be scary. However, the purpose of this step is not to make us feel awful or beat us over the head with everything we’ve done wrong; quite the opposite. It’s at this point in our recovery that we unearth those things that keep us isolated from others, unable to give or receive love, process our own thoughts and emotions, and enjoy our place in life -- not so that we feel like failures, but so that we can remove those obstructions and continue on in a happier and healthier state of being.

Not everything that’s holding us back is going to be surface-level, though. Many times we’re going to have to unearth things on a subconscious level: fear, hurt, anger, or shame from our past that we’ve suppressed and covered up; or an unacknowledged perceptions of ourselves and others that are hurting our relationships. We may be shocked at what we find when we really start digging. There’s any number of “hidden” messages that we tell ourselves: No one loves me . . . No one can love me . . . I can’t trust anyone . . . I can’t trust myself . . . I deserve unhappiness . . . I hate my life.

The point of bringing up harmful and upsetting beliefs we hold about others and ourselves is to discern behaviors and patterns of action that are self-defeating. We shouldn’t fear performing this step, because it’s created to cleanse our hearts, minds, and souls. It opens a door to feeling good about ourselves and others, and letting us live the fruitful, happy life of love that our Higher Power intends.

We may try to put off the Fourth Step, avoid it. We may fear what examining that side of us will bring to light. We could realize that we’re angry, hurtful, selfish, and afraid. We may uncover just how damaging our actions have been to ourselves and others. We have the capacity for destruction, and we’ve used it; we know this. We have a slew of nasty, harmful things within us.

However, we also have the capacity for love, faith, hope, and trust. There is a side of us that is overflowing with good things, with appreciation for what is beautiful and right, and with a desire to do the very best we can in anything that comes our way. We have been given the ability to make the right choices, and we have used that too.

The Fourth Step paves the way for coming to terms with our past, accepting who we are, and healing old wounds, so that we are ready to live as our Higher Power has planned.

Let Your Truth Be Compassionate

It’s been ingrained in us since we were young that “honesty is the best policy.” While the sentiment may be true, it’s important for us, in our recovery, to reassess how we apply the ethic to our interactions. If we find ourselves being “honest” in an attempt to take control of a person’s actions or dismiss someone’s choices, then we’re allowing our unhealthy behavioral patterns to taint something that is intended to help us grow in our maturity and our relationships with others.

"The Lightning Speed of Honesty"
-- image courtesy Wikimedia

Sometimes we are driven to be “honest” by truly healthier motives, though. However, there are brands of honesty which can do more harm than good. We’re never to lie, even by omission, but if we dump unnecessary and hurtful information on someone just so we can give ourselves a pat on the back and feel better for being “honest,” then we’ve fallen into a different sort of sick behavior. As stated in Step 9, we’re exempt from making amends -- or being honest -- if doing so would injure the person we’re confessing to or others.

This program is the foundation for restructuring the way we live. It’s not uncommon to find that old, knee-jerk reactions no longer mesh with the new person we’re growing into. This means that we turn to different, less-familiar ways of acting, such as being honest without being controlling or insensitive.

Our new brand of honesty must be one filled with compassion. Through this program, the men and women we’re in recovery with, and a close relationship with our Higher Power, we’re being flooded with the love and acceptance that we may never have received before. And in return, we’re learning how to express the same love and acceptance to others. If we keep ourselves in the same nonjudgmental and compassionate frame of mind that we were welcomed with, we can be certain that we’re imparting the right kind of truth.

What's your worth? Knowing makes all the difference

Some take humility to an extreme, going beyond a healthy awareness of one’s own imperfections and seemingly discounting themselves as human beings. Despite the poor choices we may have made in our past -- and the poor choices we will undoubtedly make in the future -- we are not obligated to relinquish our decision-making capabilities to someone else. We do not have to think highly of everyone around us while we hold a poor opinion of ourselves. We do not have to let people gain that power over us.

In recovery, we learn about our worth as a living, breathing, thinking, feeling individual. We learn that, for better or worse, our thoughts, actions, and emotions belong to no one but us, and that is our right as human beings. We will heal from old wounds, and learn new, healthier ways of processing and reacting to situations.

·         When someone blames us for a problem he or she caused, we don’t feel guilty or try to fix it. We turn the other cheek and let that person face the consequences of his or her actions.

·         When we find ourselves being manipulated or exploited, we know that it’s okay to feel angry or mistrustful, and we have every right to refuse the person doing it.

·         When someone tries to change our mind about something we know we don’t want, or tries to talk us out of something we know we do want, we’re able to trust ourselves.

·         When someone tries to convince us of something we don’t believe, we know that we can stick to our guns and remain unshaken.

·         We even know that, if we so choose, we can change our mind down the road.

We don’t have to give up what makes us human to anyone: not to a friend, a spouse, family, strangers, our children, or even those in authority over us. We should remain open-minded to what people have to say: there could very well be something we can learn from them. They may be better educated than we are, or look more confident than we feel, but we’re all human. We’re all made up of the same stuff, and we’re all entitled to our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. We may not have anything in common with someone else, but that does not take away any of our worth.

It’s important to remember that we are not second-class citizens. By accepting our worth, we do not have to resort to aggressive or controlling behaviors to validate what we think or feel. When we stop acting defensively and discounting others, we find that we’re no longer compelled to discount ourselves either. 

Know someone who's very blunt? Thank them for it.

If you think over the people that you feel safest and most relaxed around, chances are that they’re direct individuals. They’re clear about what their thoughts, beliefs, and feelings are, and we’re never left uncertain about our standing with them.

Indirect people, however, are not to be trusted. They are either afraid or they refuse to be upfront about who they are, what they want, and how they’re faring. Though they may never make clear what principles they’re grounded on, you can be sure that they’ll eventually act on their truth. And people may find themselves destabilized and confused, not sure how to respond to something they never knew was coming.

Those of us in recovery need to remain vigilant in ensuring that we don’t skew an ethic. In practicing directness, we may slip into being harsh, rude, or inappropriate. Directness does not entail sharing every thought or feeling that passes through us. As with anything, we need to apply tact, grace, and self-control to any situation in which we’ve decided to be direct.

As we grow, we find that being direct will save time and relieve stress in the long run. It takes us out of the victim role, does away with the martyrdom we imagine ourselves in, and cuts us out of playing mind games: Being direct puts us into the position of a mature and reasonable adult responsible for his or her own feelings and behaviors. It will aid us in forming lasting and respectful relationships.

We feel safe and stable around direct, honest people. Go out and be one.

Truth is not just an ideal - it's something to live out every day

The pursuit of truth is often conjoined to issues of public importance, affixed as an ideal to the lives of the leaders who protect, advise and guide us. We consider truth a necessity for those in positions of power (i.e. the President), as well as those who help keep our society functioning (i.e. police, teachers) – and rightly so.

It's important to remember, however, that truth is a value that transcends classes and positions. It is woven into the fabric of our everyday lives. The truth we share with a friend or lover is the foundation for a healthy, happy relationship. Truth in an intimate context manifests itself in a variety of ways: a request for space, an affection revealed, an thought shared, a promise, an apology, an act of forgiveness – all are vessels for truth among those we're close to. The truth that will most often come into our lives.

Any lasting relationship must be built up around the trust two people have in each other. When we form meaningful bonds, we catch a mere glimpse of all the possibilities we hold within ourselves – great capacities for courage, love, tolerance, kindness, and, above all, truth.

Sometimes, surrender is the most powerful action you can take

Surrender is phrased in the third of the 12 Steps as “making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand him.”

Through surrendering to our Higher Power, we find that we have become empowered. Free from the bondage of self, we are now empowered to live in new, better, more constructive ways than we ever thought possible.

We find doors opening for us; exciting opportunities present themselves to us. We are able to focus our energies, finally, in ways that benefit us and those around us. We see the plan for our lives become clearer, and we are at peace with our place in the world.

And we do come to realize, most assuredly, that there is a plan and a place especially for us. It is made clear, and we will have total comfort in knowing that our Higher Power will keep us on the right path, with all our needs provided for. Whatever it is, it will be good. It will bring us exactly where we're meant to be, and it will be good.

If we are coming out of a place of weakness and uncertainty, it can be hard to accept the empowerment that comes with our surrender. But as long as our hearts and minds remain open to it, it will come naturally. Our position of powerlessness and helplessness is not permanent; it is a temporary stop to gather ourselves as we determine where we have been trying to gain power, though we had none.

Empowerment does not mean we now hold the power in our lives. It means we have come to the proper place of surrender to our Higher Power, and we have been given the ability to follow the plan our Higher Power has laid out for us. Accept the empowerment, and move toward the life you are meant to have, and the place you are meant to be. 

Fulfillment is the promise

Our needs will be met. Everything we need will be provided for. It's the simplest guarantee when we enter into relationship with God, and often the easiest to forget. Therefore, we must remind ourselves constantly: in our morning prayers, on our lunch break, at the close of the day, and in the quiet moments scattered throughout.

It's important to know what we want and need, and even more importantly, the difference between the two. But even if we aren't aware of just what it is we need in our lives, we can be certain that God is, and he will see to it that we are taken care of.

God will even provide for some of the smaller things, the sillier things, our wants and desires. He is our caretaker and our protector, and he not only wants our bare necessities covered, but for us to have other things that bring us joy.

If we ask and trust that our needs will be provided for, they will be. If we knock, God will answer.

To Get Your Needs Met, You First Have to Know What They Are

We all have needs, and I'm not talking about food, shelter and clothing. I'm talking about the stuff a little higher on Maslow's list: the need for friendship, fulfillment or love.

But many of us are so busy in our daily lives, we run nonstop in what I'd call "survival mode." At this pace, how can we become aware of new needs? We may need to change our behavior (for example how we treat our kids), or we may need a new sofa because the old one is starting to smell. This prevents us from enjoying a relaxing evening watching TV or snuggling with a loved one.

Don't be afraid to stop (or at least pause) once in a while, and recognize a need, or just a whim. When we can't get what we want immediately (instant gratification), we can get frustrated. Maybe our mind doesn't want to let us go there. Or maybe we immeidately dismiss a new "need" as really selfish desire.

But if you acknowledge a need, pray about it, then give it to God, you are preparing yourself to receive that want or need when your Higher Power provides it. Between the time we identify the need and the time we receive it, we can exercise our faith, willing ourselves to turn it over, and keep turning it over (if need be) to God.

Today, I will let go of the spoiled-child mentality that none of my needs ever get met. I'll acknowledge my needs, then turn them over to my Higher Power. God created us, and all of our desires, no matter how silly. He cares about all them, if we do. I will trust that He knows my needs and will provide them in good time.

Change is inevitable. And desirable!

The recent earthquakes remind me that change is an inevitable part of life. The very earth that we stand on is not so solid as we sometimes think. Scientists tell us that even the continents "drift" over time. Land that is dust and desert was once at the bottom of a vast ocean.


The winds of change -- to use another 'nature' analogy -- constantly blow through our lives, sometimes gently, sometimes like a hurricane. Sometimes we have to struggle just to find time to catch our breath, to relax and to adjust to change, and to even enjoy it.

Enjoy it? 


Yes, change can be, and often is, desirable.

While change typically brings on temporary stress, resisting change or hoping that everything returns to "normal" can be a bad plan. But it might be a better idea to prepare ourselves for a new normal.

Change is necessary to take us where we're going. The secret to dealing with change is to trust that our Higher Power has a plan in mind, even when we don't know where change is headed. What a wonderful perspective, to be able to relax and enjoy the ride, with optimistic curiosity about when and where it will end!

God, just for today, help me let go of my resistance to change. Help me be open to the process. Help me believe that the place I end up will be better than the place where I started. Help me to surrender, trust, and accept that Thy will be done, even if I don't understand it.

Conflict is not about winning or losing. It's about learning.

Conflict is inevitable in our lives. We have conflicts with others, yes, and many times we even have conflicts than live within ourselves.


Some time today or in the near future, a "problem" is going to arise between me and someone I know. How do I respond?


Following my principles seems like a good start. I am expected to be true to myself, but I'm also expected to get along with others and listen respectfully to their beliefs. 


But I'm not sure about approaching any situation with an automatic assumption of win/lose. Can we be "right" and still lose? Can we accept that? On the other hand, how would you feel about winning a debate even though, in your heart, you feel you were in the wrong?

The only way to "win" is to present my perspective and then give the outcome to God, ensuring that I avoid resentment and bitterness. Would that more people could avoid the win/lose thinking and self-righteousness that has launched bitter feuds and even wars, all based on pride and self-justification for the sake of being "right" at all costs.

Being in a Twelve Step program does NOT mean we automatically are exempt from conflict. However, practicing our principles give us the opportunity -- no, the privilege -- of rising above the fray to know real peace, regardless of who "wins" or "loses." Thankfully, it is also our privilege to share these principles with others so that they may know the same peace.


Remember, conflict is really just a means to help us to learn more about ourselves and others, and to grow spiritually. Let's look at conflict in terms of the benefits it can provide, rather than as something to fear.

When "Pleased to meet you!" has a dark side

"Pleased to meet you." Such an innocuous phrase. Yet it has a dark side.

Have you ever been around people-pleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside out to please another is often irritating and anxiety-producing.

People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.

People-pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile a minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others, hoping they acknowledge and appreciate our sacrifices on their behalf.

Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have responsibilities to friends and family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But the sad fact is, people-pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but who ultimately please themselves. It's because they are comfortable in their own skin. We can sense that they don't need anything from us, and that helps us to relax in their presence.

Today, please help me God, work through my fears and begin to please myself.

The Doors We Open and Close

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. –Flora Whittemore

“When one door closes, another one opens,” is a very common axiom in our society. It means that every phase in our life has a natural beginning and end. When it looks like one road it coming to an end, that’s all right, because we can be certain another will be appearing ahead.

Experiencing a door shut can be frightening and stressful, though. Friendships, marriages, jobs, and aspirations can all come to an end. These situations can seem incomprehensible, and can create a miasma of negative thoughts and emotions. On the other side of things, positive opportunities that open up for us can be equally as confusing; we may not always understand why we’re meant to do something, or why it’s happening now.

Despite the incomprehensibility of these situations, and the ensuing thoughts and emotions that can run through us, it is key to remember that God is at the forefront of all these changes, and He is unfolding a different plan for our lives.

The doors that open and close for us are each meant as preparation for the newest stage of our lives. We can’t think of ourselves as lab rats, randomly running through a maze of experiences, trying to reach the prize cheese. Each and every step we take is planned and executed by our Higher Power, meant to guide us through all the doors that will bring us into the complete plan for our lives.

Letting Go of Denial, Just in Time

We are hesitant to allow ourselves to recognize realities that could hurt us.

This is a form of denial, something which all of us adhering to the 12 Steps have practiced at one time or another. Some of us have used it as a survival mechanism.

Perhaps we've denied certain things in our history, or things we've felt. Maybe we've denied the problems of others, or even our own problems, emotions, thoughts, desires, or needs. We haven't been completely honest with ourselves; we haven't recognized the truth.

Being in denial means refusing to face a situation for what it is, most often because we perceive that doing so would hurt us. We are at risk of losing something -- the love of a family member, spouse, or friend, a dream we have, or perhaps a bond of trust -- and we want to avoid the hurt that will come with losing that special something or someone.

We use denial to protect ourselves, to insulate the soul from outside attack. It will shield our true thoughts or feelings until we are strong enough to deal with the situation on hand. No matter how much the people around us try to hammer the truth into us, we will not acknowledge it until we are adequately prepared.

We are remarkably resilient yet very fragile creatures. It's natural that sometimes we will need periods of denial to cope, to ready ourselves for what is coming. It's not healthy to move out of denial by forcing ourselves into acceptance; we will find an easier way to let it go when we have become strong and prepared enough to deal with reality.

We will know when it's the right time to do this. There's no need to get down on ourselves for living in a state of denial. Instead, we must learn to work ourselves through love into a place of safety and strength, so that we will be able to face the truth head-on. There will come a time when we're ready to face and deal with the truth, but this will be on our own schedule, when we know we are ready, and when our Higher Power sanctions it. We do not have to feel less-than, ashamed, or guilty for keeping this schedule.

There will come a time when we will be fully immersed in what we need to know, and that time is not always now. God will open our eyes, when we're ready to see the truth.

The Ability to Love and Be Loved

Being alone and feeling vulnerable. Like two separate themes, these two parts of myself unite in my being and sow the seeds of my longing for unconditional love. --Mary Casey

We all possess a natural uncertainty about ourselves. We question our capabilities and our ability to be loved. How many times in a day do we reach out to friends and family to get the love and affirmation we desire?

Our Program provides us with the ways to be in loving, healthy relationships. However, it is our responsibility to implement them into our own lives. We need to step out of our comfort zone and be the first to offer love. This will allow us to find the love we need that God has provided us.
We are only alone when we allow ourselves to create barriers. When two people reach out to each other, the ground for love is prepared, a love of ourselves and a love for the other. When we let go, we find that we are able to reach over the barriers and connect to friends and family. Then we can begin to give and receive unconditional love.

A Life of Authenticity

I have a tendency to repress and restrict parts of myself when getting into new social situations or a new relationship. I hide desires, feelings, and opinions instead of being who I really am: Me.

And yet, who can we be if not ourselves? Do we really want to be someone else? Then why is it that we feel the need to suppress our true identities?

The greatest asset we can bring into any new relationship is authenticity. It requires us to be honest about ourselves -- our emotions, our thoughts, our wants and needs, and even our past.

We may find ourselves thinking that people won’t like who we really are. We may be afraid that if we show our true colors, we will be shamed, ostracized, or left alone. We may worry about other’s opinions of us.

However, when we finally let go and give ourselves the permission to be who we are, we will find that healing has taken place in our relationships. We have been crafted uniquely, wonderfully, and we were never meant to be anyone but who we are.

At the end of the day, we have the closest relationship with ourselves, and we need to learn to give ourselves the acceptance and approval we seek from others.

Understanding Our Higher Power

Our Higher Power, as we understand Him, is a source of guidance and positive change. This doesn't mean we can be irresponsible and wait for God to come in to clean up all of our messes. It means that there are things we can and should do for ourselves, and those thing that we can't do, God will do for us.

Recovery is one of those things we can't do by ourselves. However, we do have our part to play in our recovery. We can't expect other people to be the source for getting our needs met. They are an intergral part of our recovery, but they are not the source.

As our trust grows through the recovery process, we come to understand that relationships with other people can't replace our relationship with our Higher Power. Yet, we don't want to hide behind our Higher Power and deny any and all responsibility for our own lives.

Trusting a Power greater than ourselves allows us to tap into the energy, wisdom, and guidance He has to offer.

Don't Hold On To Anger

Anger is a a strong emotion that is felt when a person feels threatened in some way. In recovery, anger is discussed objectively. We all agree we will experience anger, that we want to free ourselves from it, and that it's okay to be angry.

However, anger can be a powerful and frightening emotion. It is a warning signal that points to problem we need to solve. It might be a sign that we need to do some boundary work. Or you might just be angry without justification.

Unfortunately, if we let anger get a hold of our lives and allow it to stew and simmer, we're creating an environment that could jeopardize our recovery. It's okay to feel all our feelings and still take responsibility for our behaviors.

Explore where the anger is coming from and work on a solution for removing it from your life. Take a deep breath and know that you can work through this too.

Accountability, Spirituality, and Faith Lead to Sobriety

The first skill needed for the Inner Game is called "letting it happen." This means gradually building a trust in the innate ability of your body to learn and to perform.
--W. Timothy Gallwey

Let's play ball! Are you ready to play the game of a fulfilled life? The Twelve Steps gives us the tools we need to step up to the plate and hit the ball out of the park. Accountability, spirituality, and faith are the three bases, and sobriety is our home run.

In this team sport, we rely on our teammates to help us get to home base. Our sponsor is like our coach who gives us direction and shows us the plays that win the game.

Like in sports, we have to deal with losses in our lives. We could lose the game. It could be called because of rain. There might be an injury on our team, and run to the field to pick him up and take him off the field.

Through it all, we know we can win. We will be victorious. Maybe we lost this game but with practice and faith -- we believe we'll win the next one.

Practice Makes Imperfect

There is no shortcut to life. To the end of our days, life is a lesson imperfectly learned.
--Harrison E. Salisbury

What is it about the pursuit of perfection that lures us like a Greek siren to its call? Life is imperfect, yet we struggle to appear like we have it all together. We don't need any one's help, understanding, grace, kindness, or companionship. Right?

It's that kind of thinking that led us down the path to our own self-destruction. Recovery is our way out and the Twelve Steps teaches us to accept the process, both good and bad.

We trust in our Higher Power's ability to change us. We work our program and accept the support of our brothers and sisters. We experience each other's brokenness. And through it all, we never expect anyone to be perfect. Then why do we expect that we, ourselves, can or should be perfect?

Change your thinking today. Learn to love the imperfectness of this world. Learn to reach out to those who are imperfect. Learn to accept that you are imperfect too.

Recovery is a Balancing Act

The concept of letting go can be confusing to many of us. When are we doing too much or trying too hard to control people and outcomes? When are we doing too little? When is what we're doing an appropriate part of taking care of ourselves? What is our responsibility, and what isn't?

Regardless of how long we’ve been in the program, these questions can be difficult for all of us. We sometimes find ourselves playing a very delicate balancing game between letting go of enough to be healthy, but not so much that we fail in what we should be doing for others or ourselves; or taking hold of the reins enough to adequately care for ourselves, but no so much that we attempt to control the actions of others.

The process of recovery isn’t one of perfection, it’s one of progress. That doesn’t mean, however, that we have to be walking around in uncertainty and fear. We can allow ourselves to test the water, to try different approaches, or hold back from taking an action.

Learning to build and keep the healthy boundaries that will aid our recovery isn’t straightforward or easy. We shouldn’t expect that we’ll nail it the first time – or the second, third, fourth, fifth . . .

We don’t have to blindly work everything out within ourselves. We can reach out to others in the recovery community and seek their advice and counsel. There are many, many people who have gone before us, and their stories are full of experiences and growth that we can apply to our own lives.

No matter how confusing it may seem now, have faith, because it will work out in the end. We will find the right path.

What We Can Learn from Recovery ... The Power of Gray Days

Sometimes, the gray days scare us. Those are the days when the old feelings come rushing back. We may feel needy, scared, ashamed, and unable to care for ourselves.

Gray days can send us back to how we were before entering recovery: unsure of ourselves, self-centered, and untrusting of others. We lose faith in our Higher Power and journey back to self will. We lose touch with how we’ve grown out of the brokenness of our past, and we give up on the future. We become absolutely certain that our goals and aspirations will never come to pass. Every obstacle, no matter how small, seems to cripple us.

Our default is to reinstate our codependent and controlling ways. We then enlist the old negative reactions we've worked so hard to shed. When we slip into these states, it’s important to remember that we’re still ourselves. Our emotional state is separate from our environment.

No person or thing has the power to make us happy or heal us. In the program, we learn that a peaceful state can only be achieved through the Twelve Steps, our Higher Power, the companionship of our brothers and sisters in recovery, and our own choices.

Once we understand this, and are able to return to a composed, trusting, and open state, we often find that we are able to achieve what it is we want. The power of the gray day is that it reminds us how far we've come and how our lives have been changed for the better.

Religion vs. Spirituality

I just spent several hours with someone from my group, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. This woman insisted that the only way I would make progress in my program was to go to her church and succumb to her religious rules. She pushed and insisted, and insisted and pushed. She's been in the program so much longer than I have. I kept thinking that she must know what she's talking about. But it didn't feel right. And now I feel crazy, afraid, guilty, and ashamed. —Anonymous

We do not have to feel afraid, ashamed, or insecure because we don't share someone’s beliefs about religion. No where in the Program do we link successful recovery to a specific religious affiliation. While the Twelve Steps are a journey of spiritual growth and fulfillment, it doesn't demand religious conformity from those it helps.

Today, people often separate religion from spirituality. Religion is about the organization of people and their beliefs, which are placed within a structural body and focuses more on the group as a whole. In contrast, spirituality is about your personal approach to life. It's about what you choose to believe in and how you live your life.

The spiritual path we walk in conjunction with the Twelve Steps is our own. It is a relationship that we form with God as we understand Him. It is integral to our recovery that we build a relationship with our Higher Power. Spiritual growth is part of the program and we need a Power greater than ourselves to keep us sane and to heal our brokenness.

Do you want to right or reconciled?

Recovery is not about being right; it's about being yourself and accepting others as they are.

We have been groomed to believe that if you’re right, you’re okay, and if you’re wrong, you’re at fault. We may have hung our entire self image and self worth on being right, and were confronted with a loss of identity when we were wrong.

In recovery, we have to remember that it’s progress, not perfection. We have to gain a healthy understanding of giving and receiving love, not a superiority over others. While it’s true that we sometimes have to make decisions about people’s behavior, we can learn to do that without belittling the person. Taking care of ourselves does not mean raising ourselves above the person we’re in conflict with.

If someone’s words or actions are harming us, then it is our responsibility to stand up and protect ourselves. However, we do this by setting up and maintaining good boundaries, and keeping the focus on our own thoughts and feelings. This way, we avoid the temptation of placing blame on someone us.

Through the Twelve Steps we are learning that what is right for others doesn’t have to be right for us. Our actions are separate from those of the people we’re in contact with, and what others choose to do isn’t our business.

Although we may want to default to the comfort of superiority in being right, analyzing and criticizing the actions of others, it is ultimately more beneficial to turn the focus on ourselves and how we can improve our own lives and recovery.

Accept the Unacceptable

Our basic recovery concept, which never loses its power to work miracles, is the concept called acceptance.

Acceptance is not an attitude that we’re able to reach instantly. Many times there’s a swamp of negative emotions -- helplessness, depression, shame, anger, anxiety -- that we have to work our way through before attaining acceptance; but if that is, in fact, the destination we set our hearts and minds to, then we will reach it.

There is little that can bring such peace and contentment as the ability to take our weaknesses in good humor and celebrate our strengths. When we are finally able to deeply understand that we are worthy of acceptance -- in spite of, and even because of, our feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and past -- we will come into a place of great healing.

There is another level to acceptance beyond ourselves, though, and that is the acceptance of our circumstances. If we are able to recognize and be well with the people and situations in our lives beyond our control, then we will be letting go of all the stress and frustration we encounter by trying to “fix” those things we’re in contact with that don’t suit us.

For even greater acceptance, we should not only learn to tolerate the things about us or our environment that we don’t like, but become grateful for them. We need to truly believe that, for this moment, everything is exactly how it should be; and though we don’t always understand it, displeasing things in our lives and even defects in ourselves are working out for good.

Despite all the obstacles and complications we may run into, the basic concept of acceptance never fails to help keep us sane.

Finding strength in falling apart

We don't always have to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.

Do we have to always be strong? Can't a person "fall apart" once and awhile? The answer is yes, absolutely. Give yourself permission to feel weak, scared, or vulnerable. After all, we are only human and we get tired, angry, and irritable - sometimes for no reason at all.

We know we are strong. Think of all of the hurdles you've jumped, the mountains you've climbed, and the recovery you've made. You have proven your strength to keep it all together and now give witness to your Higher Power at work in your life.

God is our source of strength. He holds us up when we can't do it ourselves. He gives us the permission to fall apart and the strength to get back on our feet.

Letting go is freedom ... for them and for you

Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. Everything passes away except God.
--Saint Theresa

Let go and let God. That's what we're called to do. Part of letting go is detaching from others because we can't live their lives for them. Detaching allows us to be in close emotional contact with someone while feeling the freedom to be ourselves. We don't become defensive or react negatively toward others. True detachment takes time and work. Working the steps and focusing on our higher power is a great way to get there.

Once we start trying to fix, change, or rescue someone, we interfere not only with God's plan for our life, but for his or her life as well. We need to get out of His way and stop thinking we know what's best for someone else's life.

You know you've truly detached when you can let go and let God in every relationship you have.

Do you have the faith to climb a mountain?

A journey through the process of growth is ever-changing. We are faced with conquering steep mountains in the dead of winter and we've only packed a compass. The sad thing is that we already know which direction we need to go -- up. But we fail to pack the one thing we need the most, our faith.

Our goal is to reach the summit, but we often fumble in the dark or get blinded by the light. We stop and rest on the way and question why we started to climb this mountain. Our journey, either alone or with others supporting us, will get us to a better place.

We will reach a place of peace, hope, success, joy and beauty. What a long, but rewarding journey.

God, give me faith to start climbing my mountain, wisdom to see that I'm on the right journey, and eyes to enjoy the scenery at the summit.

The Key to Success is...Failure?

The process of living, for each of us, is pretty similar. For every gain there is a setback. For every success, a failure. For every moment of joy, a time of sadness. For every hope realized, one is dashed.
--Sue Atchley Ebaugh

Time and tide. Who knows what the future holds for each of us? Our lives are a balancing act constantly moving through the bad times while enjoying the good times. We cannot control the things that happen around us any more than we can control the tide of the ocean.

Step three gives us permission to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. In fact, it's not just something we can do, we must make the decision to do it. And some days we have to "rinse and repeat" this step over and over again.

I often wonder if we weren't faced with challenges and sorrows would we even understand joy, gratitude, or hope. How could those words have any meaning if every thing we did always went our way? They wouldn't. Our failures humble and strengthen us while blessing us with new insights. The tide may turn, but God will always be there to lead us to shore.

Problem Solving

I ask that You might help me work through all my problems, to Your Glory and Honor.
—Alcoholics Anonymous

Problem solving seems like a daunting task. The core idea of solving a problem involves admitting that you actually have a problem, which brings up the fear of failure we all try so hard to avoid.

Once we walk through that fear and release our character defects to God, we can begin to work on solving OUR problems. This means we don't take on problems that are not our own. We create boundaries to help us recognize our responsibilities and seek the best solution.

Reacting to problems just shows that we are hiding wounds or resentments. The more time you spend reacting to a problem, the less time you have to realize the lesson in it all. Each lesson learned is a gift of new knowledge and strength.

We all have problems, but when you put your Higher Power first in your life, you will receive the help you need to solve them. Focus on today. Let go of your fears and anxieties. Set realistic goals. Get support where and when you need it. Educate yourself. Take action. Finally, look to God for guidance and help.

A breakdown in love

Alfred Adler once said, "All human failures are the result of a lack of love."

You may have a lot of talent, skills and abilities, but that alone won't necessarily lead to success. Especially on a difficult task, you need the support of a loving friend, parent or significant other. Yet even with all the necessary experience, love and support, we still sometimes fail. And that's okay.

One thing you may notice is that, succeed or fail, the outcome is easier to deal with and share when you have compassionate people close to you.

Without that support network, many people are terrified of even beginning a challenging task or project. Worse, they may be paralyzed by fear and thoughts of uselessness or lack of purpose. But safe and secure in the knowledge and love of God, we humans can depend on connectedness and inter-relationships, feeling secure even in our darkest hour.

As human beings, our primary purpose is to serve our Higher Power and to love and respect one another, honoring each person for his or her place in our lives and in the fabric of the universe. As long as we hold on to this truth, we won't be afraid to dare, to aim higher than ourselves, and to boldly reach out in love to our friends and family.