The Ability to Love and Be Loved

Being alone and feeling vulnerable. Like two separate themes, these two parts of myself unite in my being and sow the seeds of my longing for unconditional love. --Mary Casey

We all possess a natural uncertainty about ourselves. We question our capabilities and our ability to be loved. How many times in a day do we reach out to friends and family to get the love and affirmation we desire?

Our Program provides us with the ways to be in loving, healthy relationships. However, it is our responsibility to implement them into our own lives. We need to step out of our comfort zone and be the first to offer love. This will allow us to find the love we need that God has provided us.
We are only alone when we allow ourselves to create barriers. When two people reach out to each other, the ground for love is prepared, a love of ourselves and a love for the other. When we let go, we find that we are able to reach over the barriers and connect to friends and family. Then we can begin to give and receive unconditional love.

A Life of Authenticity

I have a tendency to repress and restrict parts of myself when getting into new social situations or a new relationship. I hide desires, feelings, and opinions instead of being who I really am: Me.

And yet, who can we be if not ourselves? Do we really want to be someone else? Then why is it that we feel the need to suppress our true identities?

The greatest asset we can bring into any new relationship is authenticity. It requires us to be honest about ourselves -- our emotions, our thoughts, our wants and needs, and even our past.

We may find ourselves thinking that people won’t like who we really are. We may be afraid that if we show our true colors, we will be shamed, ostracized, or left alone. We may worry about other’s opinions of us.

However, when we finally let go and give ourselves the permission to be who we are, we will find that healing has taken place in our relationships. We have been crafted uniquely, wonderfully, and we were never meant to be anyone but who we are.

At the end of the day, we have the closest relationship with ourselves, and we need to learn to give ourselves the acceptance and approval we seek from others.

Understanding Our Higher Power

Our Higher Power, as we understand Him, is a source of guidance and positive change. This doesn't mean we can be irresponsible and wait for God to come in to clean up all of our messes. It means that there are things we can and should do for ourselves, and those thing that we can't do, God will do for us.

Recovery is one of those things we can't do by ourselves. However, we do have our part to play in our recovery. We can't expect other people to be the source for getting our needs met. They are an intergral part of our recovery, but they are not the source.

As our trust grows through the recovery process, we come to understand that relationships with other people can't replace our relationship with our Higher Power. Yet, we don't want to hide behind our Higher Power and deny any and all responsibility for our own lives.

Trusting a Power greater than ourselves allows us to tap into the energy, wisdom, and guidance He has to offer.

Don't Hold On To Anger

Anger is a a strong emotion that is felt when a person feels threatened in some way. In recovery, anger is discussed objectively. We all agree we will experience anger, that we want to free ourselves from it, and that it's okay to be angry.

However, anger can be a powerful and frightening emotion. It is a warning signal that points to problem we need to solve. It might be a sign that we need to do some boundary work. Or you might just be angry without justification.

Unfortunately, if we let anger get a hold of our lives and allow it to stew and simmer, we're creating an environment that could jeopardize our recovery. It's okay to feel all our feelings and still take responsibility for our behaviors.

Explore where the anger is coming from and work on a solution for removing it from your life. Take a deep breath and know that you can work through this too.

Accountability, Spirituality, and Faith Lead to Sobriety

The first skill needed for the Inner Game is called "letting it happen." This means gradually building a trust in the innate ability of your body to learn and to perform.
--W. Timothy Gallwey

Let's play ball! Are you ready to play the game of a fulfilled life? The Twelve Steps gives us the tools we need to step up to the plate and hit the ball out of the park. Accountability, spirituality, and faith are the three bases, and sobriety is our home run.

In this team sport, we rely on our teammates to help us get to home base. Our sponsor is like our coach who gives us direction and shows us the plays that win the game.

Like in sports, we have to deal with losses in our lives. We could lose the game. It could be called because of rain. There might be an injury on our team, and run to the field to pick him up and take him off the field.

Through it all, we know we can win. We will be victorious. Maybe we lost this game but with practice and faith -- we believe we'll win the next one.

Practice Makes Imperfect

There is no shortcut to life. To the end of our days, life is a lesson imperfectly learned.
--Harrison E. Salisbury

What is it about the pursuit of perfection that lures us like a Greek siren to its call? Life is imperfect, yet we struggle to appear like we have it all together. We don't need any one's help, understanding, grace, kindness, or companionship. Right?

It's that kind of thinking that led us down the path to our own self-destruction. Recovery is our way out and the Twelve Steps teaches us to accept the process, both good and bad.

We trust in our Higher Power's ability to change us. We work our program and accept the support of our brothers and sisters. We experience each other's brokenness. And through it all, we never expect anyone to be perfect. Then why do we expect that we, ourselves, can or should be perfect?

Change your thinking today. Learn to love the imperfectness of this world. Learn to reach out to those who are imperfect. Learn to accept that you are imperfect too.

Recovery is a Balancing Act

The concept of letting go can be confusing to many of us. When are we doing too much or trying too hard to control people and outcomes? When are we doing too little? When is what we're doing an appropriate part of taking care of ourselves? What is our responsibility, and what isn't?

Regardless of how long we’ve been in the program, these questions can be difficult for all of us. We sometimes find ourselves playing a very delicate balancing game between letting go of enough to be healthy, but not so much that we fail in what we should be doing for others or ourselves; or taking hold of the reins enough to adequately care for ourselves, but no so much that we attempt to control the actions of others.

The process of recovery isn’t one of perfection, it’s one of progress. That doesn’t mean, however, that we have to be walking around in uncertainty and fear. We can allow ourselves to test the water, to try different approaches, or hold back from taking an action.

Learning to build and keep the healthy boundaries that will aid our recovery isn’t straightforward or easy. We shouldn’t expect that we’ll nail it the first time – or the second, third, fourth, fifth . . .

We don’t have to blindly work everything out within ourselves. We can reach out to others in the recovery community and seek their advice and counsel. There are many, many people who have gone before us, and their stories are full of experiences and growth that we can apply to our own lives.

No matter how confusing it may seem now, have faith, because it will work out in the end. We will find the right path.

What We Can Learn from Recovery ... The Power of Gray Days

Sometimes, the gray days scare us. Those are the days when the old feelings come rushing back. We may feel needy, scared, ashamed, and unable to care for ourselves.

Gray days can send us back to how we were before entering recovery: unsure of ourselves, self-centered, and untrusting of others. We lose faith in our Higher Power and journey back to self will. We lose touch with how we’ve grown out of the brokenness of our past, and we give up on the future. We become absolutely certain that our goals and aspirations will never come to pass. Every obstacle, no matter how small, seems to cripple us.

Our default is to reinstate our codependent and controlling ways. We then enlist the old negative reactions we've worked so hard to shed. When we slip into these states, it’s important to remember that we’re still ourselves. Our emotional state is separate from our environment.

No person or thing has the power to make us happy or heal us. In the program, we learn that a peaceful state can only be achieved through the Twelve Steps, our Higher Power, the companionship of our brothers and sisters in recovery, and our own choices.

Once we understand this, and are able to return to a composed, trusting, and open state, we often find that we are able to achieve what it is we want. The power of the gray day is that it reminds us how far we've come and how our lives have been changed for the better.

Religion vs. Spirituality

I just spent several hours with someone from my group, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. This woman insisted that the only way I would make progress in my program was to go to her church and succumb to her religious rules. She pushed and insisted, and insisted and pushed. She's been in the program so much longer than I have. I kept thinking that she must know what she's talking about. But it didn't feel right. And now I feel crazy, afraid, guilty, and ashamed. —Anonymous

We do not have to feel afraid, ashamed, or insecure because we don't share someone’s beliefs about religion. No where in the Program do we link successful recovery to a specific religious affiliation. While the Twelve Steps are a journey of spiritual growth and fulfillment, it doesn't demand religious conformity from those it helps.

Today, people often separate religion from spirituality. Religion is about the organization of people and their beliefs, which are placed within a structural body and focuses more on the group as a whole. In contrast, spirituality is about your personal approach to life. It's about what you choose to believe in and how you live your life.

The spiritual path we walk in conjunction with the Twelve Steps is our own. It is a relationship that we form with God as we understand Him. It is integral to our recovery that we build a relationship with our Higher Power. Spiritual growth is part of the program and we need a Power greater than ourselves to keep us sane and to heal our brokenness.

Do you want to right or reconciled?

Recovery is not about being right; it's about being yourself and accepting others as they are.

We have been groomed to believe that if you’re right, you’re okay, and if you’re wrong, you’re at fault. We may have hung our entire self image and self worth on being right, and were confronted with a loss of identity when we were wrong.

In recovery, we have to remember that it’s progress, not perfection. We have to gain a healthy understanding of giving and receiving love, not a superiority over others. While it’s true that we sometimes have to make decisions about people’s behavior, we can learn to do that without belittling the person. Taking care of ourselves does not mean raising ourselves above the person we’re in conflict with.

If someone’s words or actions are harming us, then it is our responsibility to stand up and protect ourselves. However, we do this by setting up and maintaining good boundaries, and keeping the focus on our own thoughts and feelings. This way, we avoid the temptation of placing blame on someone us.

Through the Twelve Steps we are learning that what is right for others doesn’t have to be right for us. Our actions are separate from those of the people we’re in contact with, and what others choose to do isn’t our business.

Although we may want to default to the comfort of superiority in being right, analyzing and criticizing the actions of others, it is ultimately more beneficial to turn the focus on ourselves and how we can improve our own lives and recovery.

Accept the Unacceptable

Our basic recovery concept, which never loses its power to work miracles, is the concept called acceptance.

Acceptance is not an attitude that we’re able to reach instantly. Many times there’s a swamp of negative emotions -- helplessness, depression, shame, anger, anxiety -- that we have to work our way through before attaining acceptance; but if that is, in fact, the destination we set our hearts and minds to, then we will reach it.

There is little that can bring such peace and contentment as the ability to take our weaknesses in good humor and celebrate our strengths. When we are finally able to deeply understand that we are worthy of acceptance -- in spite of, and even because of, our feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and past -- we will come into a place of great healing.

There is another level to acceptance beyond ourselves, though, and that is the acceptance of our circumstances. If we are able to recognize and be well with the people and situations in our lives beyond our control, then we will be letting go of all the stress and frustration we encounter by trying to “fix” those things we’re in contact with that don’t suit us.

For even greater acceptance, we should not only learn to tolerate the things about us or our environment that we don’t like, but become grateful for them. We need to truly believe that, for this moment, everything is exactly how it should be; and though we don’t always understand it, displeasing things in our lives and even defects in ourselves are working out for good.

Despite all the obstacles and complications we may run into, the basic concept of acceptance never fails to help keep us sane.

Finding strength in falling apart

We don't always have to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.

Do we have to always be strong? Can't a person "fall apart" once and awhile? The answer is yes, absolutely. Give yourself permission to feel weak, scared, or vulnerable. After all, we are only human and we get tired, angry, and irritable - sometimes for no reason at all.

We know we are strong. Think of all of the hurdles you've jumped, the mountains you've climbed, and the recovery you've made. You have proven your strength to keep it all together and now give witness to your Higher Power at work in your life.

God is our source of strength. He holds us up when we can't do it ourselves. He gives us the permission to fall apart and the strength to get back on our feet.

Letting go is freedom ... for them and for you

Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. Everything passes away except God.
--Saint Theresa

Let go and let God. That's what we're called to do. Part of letting go is detaching from others because we can't live their lives for them. Detaching allows us to be in close emotional contact with someone while feeling the freedom to be ourselves. We don't become defensive or react negatively toward others. True detachment takes time and work. Working the steps and focusing on our higher power is a great way to get there.

Once we start trying to fix, change, or rescue someone, we interfere not only with God's plan for our life, but for his or her life as well. We need to get out of His way and stop thinking we know what's best for someone else's life.

You know you've truly detached when you can let go and let God in every relationship you have.

Do you have the faith to climb a mountain?

A journey through the process of growth is ever-changing. We are faced with conquering steep mountains in the dead of winter and we've only packed a compass. The sad thing is that we already know which direction we need to go -- up. But we fail to pack the one thing we need the most, our faith.

Our goal is to reach the summit, but we often fumble in the dark or get blinded by the light. We stop and rest on the way and question why we started to climb this mountain. Our journey, either alone or with others supporting us, will get us to a better place.

We will reach a place of peace, hope, success, joy and beauty. What a long, but rewarding journey.

God, give me faith to start climbing my mountain, wisdom to see that I'm on the right journey, and eyes to enjoy the scenery at the summit.

The Key to Success is...Failure?

The process of living, for each of us, is pretty similar. For every gain there is a setback. For every success, a failure. For every moment of joy, a time of sadness. For every hope realized, one is dashed.
--Sue Atchley Ebaugh

Time and tide. Who knows what the future holds for each of us? Our lives are a balancing act constantly moving through the bad times while enjoying the good times. We cannot control the things that happen around us any more than we can control the tide of the ocean.

Step three gives us permission to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. In fact, it's not just something we can do, we must make the decision to do it. And some days we have to "rinse and repeat" this step over and over again.

I often wonder if we weren't faced with challenges and sorrows would we even understand joy, gratitude, or hope. How could those words have any meaning if every thing we did always went our way? They wouldn't. Our failures humble and strengthen us while blessing us with new insights. The tide may turn, but God will always be there to lead us to shore.

Problem Solving

I ask that You might help me work through all my problems, to Your Glory and Honor.
—Alcoholics Anonymous

Problem solving seems like a daunting task. The core idea of solving a problem involves admitting that you actually have a problem, which brings up the fear of failure we all try so hard to avoid.

Once we walk through that fear and release our character defects to God, we can begin to work on solving OUR problems. This means we don't take on problems that are not our own. We create boundaries to help us recognize our responsibilities and seek the best solution.

Reacting to problems just shows that we are hiding wounds or resentments. The more time you spend reacting to a problem, the less time you have to realize the lesson in it all. Each lesson learned is a gift of new knowledge and strength.

We all have problems, but when you put your Higher Power first in your life, you will receive the help you need to solve them. Focus on today. Let go of your fears and anxieties. Set realistic goals. Get support where and when you need it. Educate yourself. Take action. Finally, look to God for guidance and help.