Cleansing Our Hearts, Minds, and Souls: Step Four

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

The Fourth Step is one that can intimidate many people. The thought of facing a darker, destructive side of us can be scary. However, the purpose of this step is not to make us feel awful or beat us over the head with everything we’ve done wrong; quite the opposite. It’s at this point in our recovery that we unearth those things that keep us isolated from others, unable to give or receive love, process our own thoughts and emotions, and enjoy our place in life -- not so that we feel like failures, but so that we can remove those obstructions and continue on in a happier and healthier state of being.

Not everything that’s holding us back is going to be surface-level, though. Many times we’re going to have to unearth things on a subconscious level: fear, hurt, anger, or shame from our past that we’ve suppressed and covered up; or an unacknowledged perceptions of ourselves and others that are hurting our relationships. We may be shocked at what we find when we really start digging. There’s any number of “hidden” messages that we tell ourselves: No one loves me . . . No one can love me . . . I can’t trust anyone . . . I can’t trust myself . . . I deserve unhappiness . . . I hate my life.

The point of bringing up harmful and upsetting beliefs we hold about others and ourselves is to discern behaviors and patterns of action that are self-defeating. We shouldn’t fear performing this step, because it’s created to cleanse our hearts, minds, and souls. It opens a door to feeling good about ourselves and others, and letting us live the fruitful, happy life of love that our Higher Power intends.

We may try to put off the Fourth Step, avoid it. We may fear what examining that side of us will bring to light. We could realize that we’re angry, hurtful, selfish, and afraid. We may uncover just how damaging our actions have been to ourselves and others. We have the capacity for destruction, and we’ve used it; we know this. We have a slew of nasty, harmful things within us.

However, we also have the capacity for love, faith, hope, and trust. There is a side of us that is overflowing with good things, with appreciation for what is beautiful and right, and with a desire to do the very best we can in anything that comes our way. We have been given the ability to make the right choices, and we have used that too.

The Fourth Step paves the way for coming to terms with our past, accepting who we are, and healing old wounds, so that we are ready to live as our Higher Power has planned.

What's your worth? Knowing makes all the difference

Some take humility to an extreme, going beyond a healthy awareness of one’s own imperfections and seemingly discounting themselves as human beings. Despite the poor choices we may have made in our past -- and the poor choices we will undoubtedly make in the future -- we are not obligated to relinquish our decision-making capabilities to someone else. We do not have to think highly of everyone around us while we hold a poor opinion of ourselves. We do not have to let people gain that power over us.

In recovery, we learn about our worth as a living, breathing, thinking, feeling individual. We learn that, for better or worse, our thoughts, actions, and emotions belong to no one but us, and that is our right as human beings. We will heal from old wounds, and learn new, healthier ways of processing and reacting to situations.

·         When someone blames us for a problem he or she caused, we don’t feel guilty or try to fix it. We turn the other cheek and let that person face the consequences of his or her actions.

·         When we find ourselves being manipulated or exploited, we know that it’s okay to feel angry or mistrustful, and we have every right to refuse the person doing it.

·         When someone tries to change our mind about something we know we don’t want, or tries to talk us out of something we know we do want, we’re able to trust ourselves.

·         When someone tries to convince us of something we don’t believe, we know that we can stick to our guns and remain unshaken.

·         We even know that, if we so choose, we can change our mind down the road.

We don’t have to give up what makes us human to anyone: not to a friend, a spouse, family, strangers, our children, or even those in authority over us. We should remain open-minded to what people have to say: there could very well be something we can learn from them. They may be better educated than we are, or look more confident than we feel, but we’re all human. We’re all made up of the same stuff, and we’re all entitled to our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. We may not have anything in common with someone else, but that does not take away any of our worth.

It’s important to remember that we are not second-class citizens. By accepting our worth, we do not have to resort to aggressive or controlling behaviors to validate what we think or feel. When we stop acting defensively and discounting others, we find that we’re no longer compelled to discount ourselves either. 

To Get Your Needs Met, You First Have to Know What They Are

We all have needs, and I'm not talking about food, shelter and clothing. I'm talking about the stuff a little higher on Maslow's list: the need for friendship, fulfillment or love.

But many of us are so busy in our daily lives, we run nonstop in what I'd call "survival mode." At this pace, how can we become aware of new needs? We may need to change our behavior (for example how we treat our kids), or we may need a new sofa because the old one is starting to smell. This prevents us from enjoying a relaxing evening watching TV or snuggling with a loved one.

Don't be afraid to stop (or at least pause) once in a while, and recognize a need, or just a whim. When we can't get what we want immediately (instant gratification), we can get frustrated. Maybe our mind doesn't want to let us go there. Or maybe we immeidately dismiss a new "need" as really selfish desire.

But if you acknowledge a need, pray about it, then give it to God, you are preparing yourself to receive that want or need when your Higher Power provides it. Between the time we identify the need and the time we receive it, we can exercise our faith, willing ourselves to turn it over, and keep turning it over (if need be) to God.

Today, I will let go of the spoiled-child mentality that none of my needs ever get met. I'll acknowledge my needs, then turn them over to my Higher Power. God created us, and all of our desires, no matter how silly. He cares about all them, if we do. I will trust that He knows my needs and will provide them in good time.

Change is inevitable. And desirable!

The recent earthquakes remind me that change is an inevitable part of life. The very earth that we stand on is not so solid as we sometimes think. Scientists tell us that even the continents "drift" over time. Land that is dust and desert was once at the bottom of a vast ocean.


The winds of change -- to use another 'nature' analogy -- constantly blow through our lives, sometimes gently, sometimes like a hurricane. Sometimes we have to struggle just to find time to catch our breath, to relax and to adjust to change, and to even enjoy it.

Enjoy it? 


Yes, change can be, and often is, desirable.

While change typically brings on temporary stress, resisting change or hoping that everything returns to "normal" can be a bad plan. But it might be a better idea to prepare ourselves for a new normal.

Change is necessary to take us where we're going. The secret to dealing with change is to trust that our Higher Power has a plan in mind, even when we don't know where change is headed. What a wonderful perspective, to be able to relax and enjoy the ride, with optimistic curiosity about when and where it will end!

God, just for today, help me let go of my resistance to change. Help me be open to the process. Help me believe that the place I end up will be better than the place where I started. Help me to surrender, trust, and accept that Thy will be done, even if I don't understand it.

Letting Go of Denial, Just in Time

We are hesitant to allow ourselves to recognize realities that could hurt us.

This is a form of denial, something which all of us adhering to the 12 Steps have practiced at one time or another. Some of us have used it as a survival mechanism.

Perhaps we've denied certain things in our history, or things we've felt. Maybe we've denied the problems of others, or even our own problems, emotions, thoughts, desires, or needs. We haven't been completely honest with ourselves; we haven't recognized the truth.

Being in denial means refusing to face a situation for what it is, most often because we perceive that doing so would hurt us. We are at risk of losing something -- the love of a family member, spouse, or friend, a dream we have, or perhaps a bond of trust -- and we want to avoid the hurt that will come with losing that special something or someone.

We use denial to protect ourselves, to insulate the soul from outside attack. It will shield our true thoughts or feelings until we are strong enough to deal with the situation on hand. No matter how much the people around us try to hammer the truth into us, we will not acknowledge it until we are adequately prepared.

We are remarkably resilient yet very fragile creatures. It's natural that sometimes we will need periods of denial to cope, to ready ourselves for what is coming. It's not healthy to move out of denial by forcing ourselves into acceptance; we will find an easier way to let it go when we have become strong and prepared enough to deal with reality.

We will know when it's the right time to do this. There's no need to get down on ourselves for living in a state of denial. Instead, we must learn to work ourselves through love into a place of safety and strength, so that we will be able to face the truth head-on. There will come a time when we're ready to face and deal with the truth, but this will be on our own schedule, when we know we are ready, and when our Higher Power sanctions it. We do not have to feel less-than, ashamed, or guilty for keeping this schedule.

There will come a time when we will be fully immersed in what we need to know, and that time is not always now. God will open our eyes, when we're ready to see the truth.

Accept the Unacceptable

Our basic recovery concept, which never loses its power to work miracles, is the concept called acceptance.

Acceptance is not an attitude that we’re able to reach instantly. Many times there’s a swamp of negative emotions -- helplessness, depression, shame, anger, anxiety -- that we have to work our way through before attaining acceptance; but if that is, in fact, the destination we set our hearts and minds to, then we will reach it.

There is little that can bring such peace and contentment as the ability to take our weaknesses in good humor and celebrate our strengths. When we are finally able to deeply understand that we are worthy of acceptance -- in spite of, and even because of, our feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and past -- we will come into a place of great healing.

There is another level to acceptance beyond ourselves, though, and that is the acceptance of our circumstances. If we are able to recognize and be well with the people and situations in our lives beyond our control, then we will be letting go of all the stress and frustration we encounter by trying to “fix” those things we’re in contact with that don’t suit us.

For even greater acceptance, we should not only learn to tolerate the things about us or our environment that we don’t like, but become grateful for them. We need to truly believe that, for this moment, everything is exactly how it should be; and though we don’t always understand it, displeasing things in our lives and even defects in ourselves are working out for good.

Despite all the obstacles and complications we may run into, the basic concept of acceptance never fails to help keep us sane.