What's your worth? Knowing makes all the difference

Some take humility to an extreme, going beyond a healthy awareness of one’s own imperfections and seemingly discounting themselves as human beings. Despite the poor choices we may have made in our past -- and the poor choices we will undoubtedly make in the future -- we are not obligated to relinquish our decision-making capabilities to someone else. We do not have to think highly of everyone around us while we hold a poor opinion of ourselves. We do not have to let people gain that power over us.

In recovery, we learn about our worth as a living, breathing, thinking, feeling individual. We learn that, for better or worse, our thoughts, actions, and emotions belong to no one but us, and that is our right as human beings. We will heal from old wounds, and learn new, healthier ways of processing and reacting to situations.

·         When someone blames us for a problem he or she caused, we don’t feel guilty or try to fix it. We turn the other cheek and let that person face the consequences of his or her actions.

·         When we find ourselves being manipulated or exploited, we know that it’s okay to feel angry or mistrustful, and we have every right to refuse the person doing it.

·         When someone tries to change our mind about something we know we don’t want, or tries to talk us out of something we know we do want, we’re able to trust ourselves.

·         When someone tries to convince us of something we don’t believe, we know that we can stick to our guns and remain unshaken.

·         We even know that, if we so choose, we can change our mind down the road.

We don’t have to give up what makes us human to anyone: not to a friend, a spouse, family, strangers, our children, or even those in authority over us. We should remain open-minded to what people have to say: there could very well be something we can learn from them. They may be better educated than we are, or look more confident than we feel, but we’re all human. We’re all made up of the same stuff, and we’re all entitled to our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. We may not have anything in common with someone else, but that does not take away any of our worth.

It’s important to remember that we are not second-class citizens. By accepting our worth, we do not have to resort to aggressive or controlling behaviors to validate what we think or feel. When we stop acting defensively and discounting others, we find that we’re no longer compelled to discount ourselves either. 

Sometimes, surrender is the most powerful action you can take

Surrender is phrased in the third of the 12 Steps as “making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand him.”

Through surrendering to our Higher Power, we find that we have become empowered. Free from the bondage of self, we are now empowered to live in new, better, more constructive ways than we ever thought possible.

We find doors opening for us; exciting opportunities present themselves to us. We are able to focus our energies, finally, in ways that benefit us and those around us. We see the plan for our lives become clearer, and we are at peace with our place in the world.

And we do come to realize, most assuredly, that there is a plan and a place especially for us. It is made clear, and we will have total comfort in knowing that our Higher Power will keep us on the right path, with all our needs provided for. Whatever it is, it will be good. It will bring us exactly where we're meant to be, and it will be good.

If we are coming out of a place of weakness and uncertainty, it can be hard to accept the empowerment that comes with our surrender. But as long as our hearts and minds remain open to it, it will come naturally. Our position of powerlessness and helplessness is not permanent; it is a temporary stop to gather ourselves as we determine where we have been trying to gain power, though we had none.

Empowerment does not mean we now hold the power in our lives. It means we have come to the proper place of surrender to our Higher Power, and we have been given the ability to follow the plan our Higher Power has laid out for us. Accept the empowerment, and move toward the life you are meant to have, and the place you are meant to be. 

Understanding Our Higher Power

Our Higher Power, as we understand Him, is a source of guidance and positive change. This doesn't mean we can be irresponsible and wait for God to come in to clean up all of our messes. It means that there are things we can and should do for ourselves, and those thing that we can't do, God will do for us.

Recovery is one of those things we can't do by ourselves. However, we do have our part to play in our recovery. We can't expect other people to be the source for getting our needs met. They are an intergral part of our recovery, but they are not the source.

As our trust grows through the recovery process, we come to understand that relationships with other people can't replace our relationship with our Higher Power. Yet, we don't want to hide behind our Higher Power and deny any and all responsibility for our own lives.

Trusting a Power greater than ourselves allows us to tap into the energy, wisdom, and guidance He has to offer.

Don't Hold On To Anger

Anger is a a strong emotion that is felt when a person feels threatened in some way. In recovery, anger is discussed objectively. We all agree we will experience anger, that we want to free ourselves from it, and that it's okay to be angry.

However, anger can be a powerful and frightening emotion. It is a warning signal that points to problem we need to solve. It might be a sign that we need to do some boundary work. Or you might just be angry without justification.

Unfortunately, if we let anger get a hold of our lives and allow it to stew and simmer, we're creating an environment that could jeopardize our recovery. It's okay to feel all our feelings and still take responsibility for our behaviors.

Explore where the anger is coming from and work on a solution for removing it from your life. Take a deep breath and know that you can work through this too.

Practice Makes Imperfect

There is no shortcut to life. To the end of our days, life is a lesson imperfectly learned.
--Harrison E. Salisbury

What is it about the pursuit of perfection that lures us like a Greek siren to its call? Life is imperfect, yet we struggle to appear like we have it all together. We don't need any one's help, understanding, grace, kindness, or companionship. Right?

It's that kind of thinking that led us down the path to our own self-destruction. Recovery is our way out and the Twelve Steps teaches us to accept the process, both good and bad.

We trust in our Higher Power's ability to change us. We work our program and accept the support of our brothers and sisters. We experience each other's brokenness. And through it all, we never expect anyone to be perfect. Then why do we expect that we, ourselves, can or should be perfect?

Change your thinking today. Learn to love the imperfectness of this world. Learn to reach out to those who are imperfect. Learn to accept that you are imperfect too.

What We Can Learn from Recovery ... The Power of Gray Days

Sometimes, the gray days scare us. Those are the days when the old feelings come rushing back. We may feel needy, scared, ashamed, and unable to care for ourselves.

Gray days can send us back to how we were before entering recovery: unsure of ourselves, self-centered, and untrusting of others. We lose faith in our Higher Power and journey back to self will. We lose touch with how we’ve grown out of the brokenness of our past, and we give up on the future. We become absolutely certain that our goals and aspirations will never come to pass. Every obstacle, no matter how small, seems to cripple us.

Our default is to reinstate our codependent and controlling ways. We then enlist the old negative reactions we've worked so hard to shed. When we slip into these states, it’s important to remember that we’re still ourselves. Our emotional state is separate from our environment.

No person or thing has the power to make us happy or heal us. In the program, we learn that a peaceful state can only be achieved through the Twelve Steps, our Higher Power, the companionship of our brothers and sisters in recovery, and our own choices.

Once we understand this, and are able to return to a composed, trusting, and open state, we often find that we are able to achieve what it is we want. The power of the gray day is that it reminds us how far we've come and how our lives have been changed for the better.

Do you want to right or reconciled?

Recovery is not about being right; it's about being yourself and accepting others as they are.

We have been groomed to believe that if you’re right, you’re okay, and if you’re wrong, you’re at fault. We may have hung our entire self image and self worth on being right, and were confronted with a loss of identity when we were wrong.

In recovery, we have to remember that it’s progress, not perfection. We have to gain a healthy understanding of giving and receiving love, not a superiority over others. While it’s true that we sometimes have to make decisions about people’s behavior, we can learn to do that without belittling the person. Taking care of ourselves does not mean raising ourselves above the person we’re in conflict with.

If someone’s words or actions are harming us, then it is our responsibility to stand up and protect ourselves. However, we do this by setting up and maintaining good boundaries, and keeping the focus on our own thoughts and feelings. This way, we avoid the temptation of placing blame on someone us.

Through the Twelve Steps we are learning that what is right for others doesn’t have to be right for us. Our actions are separate from those of the people we’re in contact with, and what others choose to do isn’t our business.

Although we may want to default to the comfort of superiority in being right, analyzing and criticizing the actions of others, it is ultimately more beneficial to turn the focus on ourselves and how we can improve our own lives and recovery.

Accept the Unacceptable

Our basic recovery concept, which never loses its power to work miracles, is the concept called acceptance.

Acceptance is not an attitude that we’re able to reach instantly. Many times there’s a swamp of negative emotions -- helplessness, depression, shame, anger, anxiety -- that we have to work our way through before attaining acceptance; but if that is, in fact, the destination we set our hearts and minds to, then we will reach it.

There is little that can bring such peace and contentment as the ability to take our weaknesses in good humor and celebrate our strengths. When we are finally able to deeply understand that we are worthy of acceptance -- in spite of, and even because of, our feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and past -- we will come into a place of great healing.

There is another level to acceptance beyond ourselves, though, and that is the acceptance of our circumstances. If we are able to recognize and be well with the people and situations in our lives beyond our control, then we will be letting go of all the stress and frustration we encounter by trying to “fix” those things we’re in contact with that don’t suit us.

For even greater acceptance, we should not only learn to tolerate the things about us or our environment that we don’t like, but become grateful for them. We need to truly believe that, for this moment, everything is exactly how it should be; and though we don’t always understand it, displeasing things in our lives and even defects in ourselves are working out for good.

Despite all the obstacles and complications we may run into, the basic concept of acceptance never fails to help keep us sane.